These conversation tips apply mostly to travelling on a plane, but parts apply to any long journeys overland by bus or train.
Think back to the last time you were on a plane journey with a stranger in the next seat. Did you exercise any conversation skills with them? Did you even introduce yourself? If you did, you probably had a slightly smoother journey as a result. If you didn’t, you simply behaved like most people in this situation.
After all, many of us feel uncomfortable when we have to sit next to strangers, and this is understandable. It has to do with a deep-rooted suspicion at the subconscious level of strangers, added to by our parents telling us never to talk to people we don’t know. Our subconscious minds never really get reprogrammed to regard these supposed threats as non-existent. Consequently, some people try to avoid having to sit next to anyone on trains and buses. Some sprawl out, filling half the next seat, or place their bag on it, as a sign to stay away. Reading a book, or listening to music on an mp3 player, or other multimedia device may also be used as a barrier. And of course, there’s the old standby: simply pretending to take a nap.
But Is this the best course of action? Maybe you’d agree that it’s good to take some of the tension out of the situation? (There is always tension when we’re in unknown situations, and a long journey next to a stranger counts as an unknown situation. Besides, anyone pretending to sleep rather than having a brief chat simply must be suffering some discomfort, otherwise, why go through the playacting?)
Quick conversation tip 1: If you think that’s preferable, consider this scenario: you’re in a window seat on a train, bus, or long-haul flight. The passenger next to you somehow manages to sleep the whole time. That’s a good thing? Perhaps — until you need to get at your bag in the overhead locker, or go to the bathroom. Then you have to appear rude and wake them up. However, if you previously broke the ice, the other person won’t feel the need to shut you out. And if they do genuinely fall asleep and you need to wake them, they won’t feel bad, because they know you a little.
Quick conversation tip 2: So the next question is, how do you break the ice? That’s easy…you smile and say ‘hi’, and you do it immediately, as soon as you make eye contact. Then simply wait until you’re both settled in
your seats, turn slightly towards them and tell them your name using these words: ‘I’m ___, by the way.’ That makes it sound like you forgot to provide that information, and are now putting matters right. Then say something like ‘It‘s okay, I’m not one of those people that like to talk a lot. I just think it’s more polite to introduce yourself.’
As easily as that, the ice is broken. And maybe a conversation later will happen, should either of you wish for one.
Quick conversation tip 3: Once you do this three times, it becomes easy, almost second nature. You may even end up with a contact you can network with, a friend, or even, as happened to someone I know, your future spouse!
To recap then, ignoring people next to you on long journeys may feel like the most comfortable thing to do, but we miss opportunities when we do, both short term and sometimes long term too.
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Are Conversations That Important?
If you’re reading this, you almost certainly feel deep down that conversation is important. And maybe you’re wanting to improve your conversation techniques because you feel shy, because you want to make friends more easily, or because you feel that you come across as boring. In themselves, those are, of course, good reasons for wanting to improve your conversational abilities.
But this set of conversation tips isn’t going to deal with improving conversation skills–it’s going to dig deeper, go behind the scenes and examine why conversation is of any importance at all. After all, it’s just two people talking, isn’t it?
Well, not exactly. First of all, when you converse, you’re practising the one thing that humans do brilliantly: communication. We do other things well too, such as build, use tools, and plan, but before all these things can happen, communication must take place. Maybe that wasn’t always the case, but in this century, it is.
In so many other respects, we humans are the weakest animal on Planet Earth. But with communication, we can convey complex ideas that make us able to co-operate and therefore strong–and, it has to be said, unfortunately quite dangerous at times.
But communication is so fundamental to us that we love to do it. If you want proof, consider the computer industry. Before the arrival of the World Wide Web, and even more importantly, e-mail, computers were just another industry: most government departments ran without them, and a few swanky businesses used them to collect addresses and send out adverts. They were about as common as CCTV cameras, just another expensive tool.
But once email burst onto the scene, a computer became an indispensable item in most homes. In less than ten years, people turned from being sceptical about having one to wondering how they ever managed without. (And the same is true of mobile phones.)
The fact is, we don’t just love to communicate as a species because it‘s a pleasant hobby–it’s hardwired into us. That’s because receiving information is essential to our survival, both as individuals and also in groups, whether that information is about an immediate threat, future threats, or information on how to make life easier, such as the best way to grow crops instead of going out and killing a mammoth for dinner.
Conversation Skills as a Survival Tool
But it isn’t just about swapping facts. That’s just one form of communication. The conversation tips in this article are an example of imparting facts, but we aren’t really having much of a dialogue, are we? It’s just me, telling you stuff. No, conversation is a whole branch of communication on its own, and an extremely important one, because it operates on many levels.
As stated earlier, on the surface, all that’s happening is two or more people talking and listening, but in fact it’s more complex that that. Let’s start off by defining what a conversation is, for the purposes of what we’re thinking about here: it’s an exchange of information, with a seasoning of emotion and maybe opinion. And the emotion and opinion are what make it so interesting.
Now, are there different kinds of conversation? I’d argue there are. For example, a conversation may be light-hearted and fun, such as when you’re swapping stories about the daft things your pets and kids have done. Or it may be injected with enthusiasm, such as when discussing favourite books or films. It may be filled with perplexity, like when groups of males or females get together and try to work out the workings of the opposite sex. It may be serious, like when discussing grief, or a wrongdoing.
Some of these conversations leave us feeling better than others, but the fact is, we are left feeling something–happy, sad, worried, enthused, angry. This in itself is important.
Why?
What Happens When Conversations Change Our Inner State
Put another way, when we have a conversation, all these feelings help form an emotional bond to the other person or persons. But, more importantly from a pure survival point of view, the other person now also feels bonded with us. They have formed an opinion of us: if it’s a positive opinion, they will associate us with feeling good, and they will care about us, care about what happens to us, and want to help us. If, on the other hand, they’ve formed a negative view, then they will associate us with unpleasantness, and they won’t want to spend any time with us. They might help us in extreme circumstances, but they would do so grudgingly, and they almost certainly would refrain from doing small favours. So on the one hand, our lives might be enhanced. On the other, they might be worsened.
But there’s an even more fundamental level at which good conversations are part of our survival mechanism: things which makes us feel good help combat stress, and stress (in large amounts) is bad. Also, when we converse, simply putting something into words helps to understand it, and humans, as a species, like to understand things–it makes us feel confident. Or, if we still don’t understand something after talking about it (like in the discussions about the opposite sex above), at least we’ve identified a gap in our knowledge. And that, in itself, is a form of knowledge.
So that’s why good conversation skills are important: you’re gleaning potentially valuable information and creating bonds. In addition, you’re adding to the survival of yourself and your conversation partners by instilling a good feeling in each other that will outlive the actual conversation session, and make each other feel supported.
Conversation Tip #1: Take the Bull by the horns.
Sometimes you’ll find yourself in a social situation you dread. For many people, it’s being cornered with the boss at a works’ meal. You tell yourself that you’re sure he or she, just like you, prefers to leave work at the office, and has a life outside. Consequently you have every intention of avoiding any topic that is work-related. To make this harder, let’s pretend it’s not the Christmas meal, because Christmas is a gold-mine of conversation topics. Let’s suppose it’s an after-work getting-to-know-you drink/coffee because the boss in new and wants to impress you with the fact that he or she is human, and the situation is one on one. And you panic: you woner what on earth you arre going to talk about.
The trick is to have your conversation starters and topics ready in advance, and then take the bull by the horn, and say, confidently and warmly, that you assume the purpose is not to talk about work, because that should be done IN work not outside. You start with small talk, explore family, education, employment history, and then… what? Well that’s where you need to steer the conversation topics onto things the other person gets enthusiatic about, or has opinions on…hobbies (work doesn’t count)… places they have travelled to (which was their favourite, and why?) what sort of house do they have..? is it perfect, or a work in progress..? if perfect, it must have a perfect kitchen: do they use it? what sort of food do they cook? If they’ve lived in many places, which was best, and why?
Conversation Tip #2: Research!
Since you’ll presumably have some warning that the above semi-interview situation is going to occur, do a little investigation first. For example, find out where your boss lives, then look it up on google maps. What are the local beauty spots? Is it a long commute? Then you can comment on commuting nightmares (quick conversation tip: this will add emotion and opinion, and these are the spice of any conversation). Is it a particularly nice area? Ask how they like living there, why they chose it, how old is their house or apartment, are there any problems with it, how are the neighbours?
You can also find out what car they drive, and introduce that as an ice-breaker: “I see/hear/understand you drive a X. Is it a good car? What led you to choose it?” then you can exchange your car opinions and experiences, if you have one, and lead into occasions other than commuting when you find a car useful. If your boss is new to the area, perhaps you can recommend local places of interest to visit in his or her car.
Obviously, this sort of tactic can be adapted to other situations which people sometimes find a little awkward, like first day on the job. If you plan ahead as these conversation tips suggest, there’s no reason why that awkwardness should ever materialise.
Conversation skills and leadership qualities may sound unrelated, but they’re not — at least to the people who write your annual report, or who are thinking of hiring you in the first place. The following conversation tips show why, and offer suggestions for improvements
Conversation tip #1: Take the Lead
Do you take the lead in conversations? Do you always make a point of initiating contact, with a sincere, warm smile? Do you perhaps even have a few sociability tricks up your sleeve, a few conversation starters, knowing that chatting is a great way to make strangers feel at ease almost instantly? If you do, you’re showing basic leadership qualities.
Why?
Because this kind of behaviour demonstrates confidence.
It demonstrates that you are interested in other people, that you care about them.
And if you take the lead in starting a conversation, you’ll probably be the kind of person who isn’t scared of initiating other things, too.
During the 1990’s it became fashionable for companies to herd all job applicants together in a room, and watch how they behaved on camera, not only while performing tests, but also right at the beginning, before any of them had properly met. The employers wanted to know who the confident applicants were, and who, by contrast, just sat waiting to be introduced. Because simply sitting and waiting is passive, non-dynamic behaviour.
At about the same time, the word “proactive” was in vogue, too: they knew that a passive person was much less likely to be proactive. Since they wanted proactive people, it was, they felt, a good and simple test.
Maybe you are a quieter sort of person right now: there‘s nothing wrong with that. But if you want that to change, and you want to become more dynamic — and it doesn’t have to be by very much to make a big, positive difference to both your thinking and your life — a good place to start is by developing good conversation skills, and overcoming your fear of being the first to break the ice.
Conversation tip #2: Have A Few Conversation Starters At The Ready
It may sound a little false, but it’s no more contrived than carrying headache tablets around with you, or maybe a Swiss army knife, in case of emergencies. You never know when you may have to break an awkward silence with a little conversation. (For example, a visitor to your workplace may be left under your supervision. Or someone transfering departments may arrive early, before your supervisor gets in and can make introductions.)
Conversation tip #3: Don’t Give Awkward Silences Time To Develop.
They’re like dandelions in a garden — the longer you let them grow, the harder they are to do something about. When you meet someone for the first time, and there’s no one to introduce you, just pause for as long as it takes to establish eye contact (no more than two or three seconds), then smile, and say “Hi, how are you? I’m _____!”
You can then slide into a chat, using one of the all-purpose conversation topics appropriate to the situation.
Breaking the ice like this is always easier to do when you are on your own territory (for example, if the person is a visitor to your workplace, or a new next-door neighbour).
If the stranger is you (say you just joined an established group, for example toastmasters, an evening class, a theatre, church or school group or committee), it can be a little more nerve-wracking.
But here are a couple of quick conversation tips for just such a situation: play a little trick on yourself — you make yourself the good guy. In other words, you first tell yourself that the other person is feeling just as nervous as you. Then you decide that if you don’t introduce yourself they will get even more nervous. And because you’re a nice person, you want them to feel comfortable. So you’re going to make that happen, you’re going to make them happier, you’re going to make their lives a little easier…you’re going to introduce yourself. In other words, you’re doing them a favour. You’re just the kind of person that likes to do small favours for other people. After all, we all do
put these conversation tips into practice, and four tings will happen. The first is that the first two separate occasions are the hardest. (Your subconscious needs time to assimilate the fact that there‘s a new reality here, that you aren‘t getting struck by lightning for being so bold as to start a conversation.) By the time the third occasion arises, you’ll be thinking of it as a game, as fun.
The second thing that happen, and very quickly, is that being a conversation starter will become second nature, and as it does, something inside you will change. That something is your self-confidence. It will grow, and strengthen. In fact, eventually, you will feel awkward if you don’t start a conversation. Strange, but I can assure you it’s true
The third thing that will happen is that other people will see you as outgoing, and dynamic. You’ll be, in their eyes, bright and optimistic, a positive person to have around, someone who isn’t phased by awkward situations. (This includes the person writing your annual appraisal, or thinking of hiring you for that job.)
And the fourth thing that will happen is that your conversation skills will grow, because you‘ll be practicing them.
And as a bonus, you make more friends and improve your relations with colleagues.
To sum up, shaking off your nervousness and introducing yourself is a great conversation starter, will have a positive effect on your self-image, on how others see you, and you’ll find your confidence and conversation skills getting stronger and stronger as time passes.
