May 8

There are many things you should never do in a conversation. Here are 10 tips on behaviours to avoid: 

  1. Go into great detail about the twists and turns in the last novel you read or the last movie you saw, or tell them all the funny parts.
  2. Use three letter abbreviations from your job. Sentences like ‘And we performed the FLA work and passed the MPLs back in record time’ may sound impressive, but will mean nothing to your listener. A baffled listener is a bored or annoyed listener, and they will think you are not a skilled conversationalist
  3. Name drop, unless it’s the name of a truly famous person. It’s okay to say things like ‘You’ll never guess who I saw today–Elvis!’ but ‘Pete Sampson handed the project to Don Aprochon, and Don told me Pete wants me to come on board.’
  4. Use words from work. Depending on the line of work your in, you’ll be exposed to a variety of jargon and perhaps metaphors. For example, talking about a ‘raft of measures’, ‘promulgating’, ’singing from the same hymn sheet’, and ‘picking up the ball and running with it’ may be normal in your workplace, but will probably make you sound pretentious to any listener who doesn’t work in the same environment. There’s a touch of Emperor’s New Clothes about that kind of behaviour…and remember what happened to the Emperor.
  5. Use slang, unless you’re talking with people who also use that slang. It will make you sound lazy, or unimaginative
  6. Laugh at your own jokes. Ok, sometimes the joke is so funny, you can be forgiven for laughing, but most times, a simple smile is best
  7. Laugh at things you say that aren’t really jokes at all. You’ll be seen as  nervous.
  8. Use your fingers to draw inverted commas in the air. Simply say ‘in inverted commas’ instead.
  9. Emphasize a certain word in the hope that that will make it funny. This is an attempt at sarcasm, and while sarcasm can be extremely amusing at times (whether or not it is the lowest form of wit) it shouldn’t need highlighting with extra vocal emphasis.
  10. Talk to yourself. Yes, some people do this. They are thinking aloud, and obviously haven’t given enough thought to what it was they wanted to say. It doesn’t need pointing out that your listener will be baffled, and pretty soon, irritated if you keep doing this. And you’ll get a reputation for being eccentric.

This list is not exhaustive, and requires a certain mastery of conversation skills to both be aware that you have slipped into one of these habits, or, to prevent you from wandering into this territory in the first place. The real conversation tips to take away here are to always monitor the effect of what you’re saying on your listener and never assume that you’re being fascinating. Avoid doing the above ten things, and your conversation skills will be improved automatically.

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May 30

Religion, politics, sex, off-colour humour: these are the four conversation topics you’re most warned to avoid.  And anyone who has been involved in a conversation where these topics emerged will know that each is a minefield, and can offend. Obviously, offending is not one of the more useful conversation skills, since alienating your conversation partners means they will probably want to avoid talking to you in the future (obvious maybe, but it doesn’t stop some people talking about these things)

These topics give offence for different reasons: in the case of the latter two, it’s a matter of comfort zones. Some people are totally uninhibited when it comes to talking about sex, while others need to know the person they are talking to quite well, and still others feel totally uncomfortable discussing the topic at all. The reasons for these preferences are unimportant — they have to be respected, and the surest way of doing so is not to raise the subject at all until you know that you are not going to tread on anyone’s toes. You do that by getting to know them, of course.

Jokes about sex and bodily functions fall into the same category, with the added aspect that senses of humour differ, and it may simply be that your conversation partner finds no humour in the subject matter, rather than being actually offended by it. If that is the case though, they will simply mentally label you as a person trying hard to be amusing and failing, which, again, is not an impression you want to leave. The conversation tip here is to simply steer clear, unless you know your audience shares a similar taste in jokes.

Politics and religion, on the other hand, do not offend because of taste or comfort considerations.  They cause discord for the reason that people tend to identify their beliefs with their identity, whether those beliefs are religious or political. The beliefs we adopt align us to a tribe. When our beliefs come under attack, in our heads, so does the tribe we belong to, and, by extension, our very identity. So we go on the counter-offensive, defending what we believe even when it is illogical to do so, and finding reasons why the person we are talking to is wrong. And, put simplistically, our response to such attacks is to either back away and become very quiet, or to go on the offensive and defend the tribe we belong to. The result then, of course, is an argument. In extreme circumstances, the result is a fight. The result is rarely what might be termed a pleasant conversation.

 

There are only two safe ways to introduce religion and politics into a conversation, and they are 1) discussing political or religious belief systems that neither you nor your conversation partner ascribe to or 2) discussing political or religious belief systems that both of you agree on. That way, in theory at least, no one will take anything personally, and the conversation will have a smooth outcome. But that cannot be guaranteed. 

 

To sum up, as a general rule, these four areas should only be explored with people you know well, and who you know will not be offended. If you’re still working on your conversation skills and techniques, just steer clear of them.

 

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May 26

Conversation Tip :  Things you have in common make good conversation starters too

This is a variation on the What’s your opinion? starter. It works well because it establishes an instant connection, or rapport. 

BUT — it has to be genuine. If you fake this and get caught, you will lose face — unless you have enough cheeky charm to own up and admit it was just a gambit so you could start a chat.

You see something the other person is wearing or carrying and, say something like 

‘Excuse me, I noticed you’re wearing XXX. I like that brand too. I have loads of their stuff. Just thought I’d come over and mention it. Yours look pretty good. What do you think of their stuff? Do you wear it a lot?’

or

‘Oh, you’re reading XXX. I love that type of fiction. Whose your favourite author?’

or

‘You have a violin! I’m a musician too. I play the XXX’

or 

‘Is that a pool cue? You obviously take it seriously. I like the occasional game of pool myself.’

or (in a bar) 

‘I see you’re drinking wine. I like wine too, but sometimes, only a beer will do. Do you know a lot about wine?’

Taking it from there shouldn’t be too hard, especially if you bring into play your other conversation skills. But two in particular are important: not overstaying your welcome, and knowing how to exit.

For a summary of the core conversation skills, click here

 

 

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May 25

Conversation Tip 1: How not to  overstay your welcome…

 So you applied one of these conversation tips, and your conversation starter question got you an answer. You found out where to buy Item X, and maybe the other person’s opinion of it too. Their body language and tone of voice will tell you whether you are welcome to develop the conversation. It is an important skill to read the signs, which may be as blatant as ‘Well it was nice talking to you. I have to get along now.’ or very subtle like turning their body away, or looking away.

Conversation tip 2: Exit gracefully

At that point, you flash your most charming smile, thank you for their time, and tell them it was nice to met them (if they were a stranger), and walk away.

Alternatively, the signals may be that you should develop the conversation further, and the other person will probably help you out here, by volunteering information or steering onto subjects of their own. If so, great! But there will come a time where you need to get on with other things. And at that point you do exactly the same thing — smile, tell them thanks for their time, and that it was great to meet them.

 

 

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May 24

Conversation Tip 1: Before You Launch Into Your Conversation Starter Question…

 …whether your ice-breaker is Where do I get one? It’s for a Gift,  What do you think? or some other question, it goes without saying that you need to start with something like “Excuse me –” or ‘Sorry to bother you, but –’  especially if talking to a total stranger. It’s an acknowledgement that you may be intruding, and a signal that you are polite and respectful. But don’t overdo it

The second tip is to actually build up some interest in the question you’re about to ask. That way you will sound sincere, rather than someone just trying to make smalltalk. One way to do this is to remind yourself that you are about to get some information about a human being and humans are fascinating.

Now you may be thinking but all I’m going to learn is the name of a shop in the case of the first two. That’s where you need follow up questions like Do you shop there a lot? and Do they have a good range? What do you like about that store? and then use the answer from that to jump onto another topic. In this instance, the gift idea list is perfect, because you can ask if, in the other person’s opinion, the store sells other items that would make good gifts.

 

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May 23

Another Effective Conversation Starter: What’s your opinion?

A spin on the where do I get one? ice-breaker is to simply ask for an opinion. Since people love to share advice and give opinions, this too is an effective conversation starter.

As with the where do I get one? question, this conversation technique works with perfect strangers as well as people you are already familiar with.

As always, step one is to notice something the other person has about them, and step two is ask them what they think of it, and would they recommend it.

For example, ‘I noticed you’re reading the latest Stephen King — Is it any good?’ or ‘Your sneakers look great, but before I ask you where you got them, are they comfortable? Are they suitable for running in?’ or ‘I see you’ve ordered the triple chocolate fudge cheesecake. How is it? Would you recommend it?’ 

This is a great conversation starter because you can use it in so many places: book stores, sports shops, even supermarkets (‘I’ve seen those advertised on the television, but they look a little expensive. Are they any good?’) and about so many things: cars, laptops, cameras, magazines, pets, shops, restaurants, pubs and clubs, movies, tools, quality of clothing, things to do in a city, places to visit. 

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May 21

Another Effective Conversation Starter: It’s A Gift

Another effective conversation starter is to be on the lookout for potential gifts.

Again, it works with people you may already know, but also with complete strangers.

Step one is to notice something the other person is carrying or wearing, and step two is ask them where you can get one, because you are always on the lookout for great gift ideas.

For example, ‘I noticed your watch — it’s cool. I have to get someone a birthday gift soon. Where did you buy it?’ or ‘Your necklace is beautiful. I need to buy someone a gift. Where did you get it?’ or ‘That’s a great bag. I’ve a friend with a birthday coming up. Can I ask you what shop it came from? Was it expensive?’

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May 20

An Effective Conversation Starter 

Okay, so maybe this conversation tip won’t lead to any marathon chat sessions by itself , but it’s an effective conversation starter.

It works with people you know, but also with total strangers. In fact it works fantastically with total strangers.

You simply notice something the other person is carrying or wearing, and ask them where they got it.

For example, ‘I noticed your back pack — it’s cool. Where did you buy it?’ or ‘Your earrings are lovely. Where did you get them?’ or ‘That’s a really great sweater. It really suits you. What shop did it come from?’

It’s especially effective if you actually mean what you’re saying!

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May 19

  

 Ultra fast conversation tips: Here’s a simple trick for overcoming your nerves at a gathering where either you don’t know many people, or or you do, but the conversation is flagging because no one really seems to want to be there, and you’re feeling you should say something but are worried it might fall flat.

 

Let’s be honest, not everyone is a dynamo of creativity when it comes to talking. Creativity requires imagination, and while we all have one, not everyone develops theirs. The same is true of muscles!

 

So, there you are, surrounded by people and it’s very quiet — everyone seems to be either embarrassed or wrapped up in their own thoughts. But most likely, they’re feeling like you: nervous. They’d like to start a conversation, but don’t know how, and are a little timid of appearing silly. So conversation tip 1 is that you tell yourself that you’d going to help them. After all, we all like to help others, don’t we?

 

Tip 2 is you escalate that thought, and tell yourself that it is, in fact, no less than your responsibility to do this. It has become your job, and you always do your job properly.

 

Conversation tip 3 is to then assume one of the following job titles: Mine host, game show host, or survey taker. In other words, you either pretend to yourself that this gathering is your party, and you have to make sure everyone is having a good time, or you pretend you are the host of a game show, and you have to ask those warm-up questions to make everyone relax and feel at ease, or that you are conducting an opinion poll, like one of those survey-takers that that stop you in the street.

 

You will find that your mood alters into a positive, less timid one, because you have just changed how you perceive the people around you.

 

You can then either turn to the person next to you and start to chat with them before drawing in someone else who is not talking to anyone. You do this by asking them the same question. Alternatively, if you are all seated around a table, you can make an announcement that you have a question you think everyone should answer. In either situation, you then ask a conversation starter question you prepared before.

 

There will be a few benefits to using these conversation techniques. The first is that other people will see you as a fun, dynamic and interesting person, not afraid to tackle an awkward situation. 
Secondly, it will build your confidence, and your conversation skills.
The third benefit is that it will not be as difficult as you think, and you will learn a valuable lesson about being nervous — that while it might be natural, it’s also nothing more than a feeling, and shouldn’t be allowed to rule your life.

 

 

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May 18

Rudyard Kipling, who brought us The Jungle Book, probably had great conversation skills. He wrote a poem about six faithful servants he kept around at all times. Their names were Who and How, and What, and Where, and Why and When. 

These are the questions loved and used by writers of newspaper and magazine articles as a way of making sure they have a well structured story, and have covered all the facts. And these questions are taught to students as a great tool for writing essays and assignments, for the same reason. But they have another use, too — they are a great way of getting the most out of any and all conversation topics.

When you are talking to someone, one of the most basic conversation skills is listening. In particular, listening for something that your partner clearly loves talking about ( Here are two quick conversation tips: when she’s talking about one of her favourite things, you can hear the enthusiasm level in her voice rise ; recognising and harnessing that enthusiasm means you can take it easy in the conversation for the next few minutes at least), or maybe for something that you, at least, find unusual or interesting. Then you ask questions about what your partner just said.

  • Who: this is obvious — who is involved in this anecdote: in other words, what is their identity outside of their role in this story. What else do they do normally?
  • What: covers an enormous range — what was the problem, what was the nature of the dispute, etc
  • Where: Again, needs no real explanation
  • Why? What was everyones motivation? why did this thing happen at that particular time?
  • When? Not just time of incident being recounted, but was it at an unfortunate moment? 
  • How? How did it happen, How did the speaker deal with the problem, how did it affect everyone, how often does it happen, how can it be prevented from  happening again — there are many How questions.

These examples are by no means exhaustive, and it goes without saying you can find other variations of your own. One good use for these six questions is to use them to come up with an conversation starter question of your own. But that’s a subject for a completely different set of conversation tips…

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