May 17

 

Asking questions – one of the most overused conversation skills?

One of the most important conversation skills is asking questions. However, it’s important to remember that there are two kinds of questions you can ask: conversation starter questions, which may be conversation topics in themselves, and conversation developer questions.

What’s the difference between the two? 
Well, a conversation starter is just that: it’s a general question you’d ask, like the questions your hairdresser asks you, to get a conversation going. A very useful conversation tip is to think about the kind of questions you might want to answer yourself, or at least feel comfortable answering, such as what you do for a living, and store three or four away for when you meet strangers, at a party, perhaps.
The second kind of question, the conversation developer question is a different in nature, and is the second of a pair of conversation skills, the first of which is listening. So when you have asked your conversation starter question, you listen to the answer, and you listen carefully, because what you’re on the lookout for is anything unusual that you can ask a follow-up question about. You’d normally start by repeating the phrase you found interesting, and saying something like ‘that’s interesting,’ and then ask your  follow up question.

 

As an example: ‘You work on the checkout in XYQ store? That’s interesting. I bet you see some interesting sights occasionally…’ (It’s a safe bet. anyone who works with the public are going to see some interesting sights from time to time!)

Quick conversation tip: Put yourself in their shoes for a second… 

…and ask yourself what it would be like to do that job. Then ask, ‘Is your job as ______ as I imagine?’ 

If you’re creative, you may end up with a really ineresting question. In the example of the checkout operator above, maybe they’ve seen men and women meet,  witnessed arguments, attempts at shoplifting, fights over bargains, or even been threatened. With that knowledge, what question would you ask?

Quick conversation tip: Ask One Of The Big Six Questions 

If nothing jumps out at you, think of the conversation topic in terms of the big six W questions …which are, of course, Who What Where Why When and How. 

You can apply at least one of those to any topic. An obvious exmple is ‘And how do you like your job?’

 

The important point of these conversation tips is to remember at all times that you are not working your way through a questionnaire with your conversation partners  – you are starting and developing a theme. The questionnaire approach will leave other people uncomfortable: developing a theme by asking the right kind of questions will not .

 

 

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May 6

 

Quick conversation tip: Being in the right mood will have a dramatic effect on your conversation experience, and of the people you talk to.  You can simply and quickly alter your enthusiasm levels using the following techniques

Neuro Lingusitic programming probably had its fair share of detractors when it first came out in the 1970’s and 1980’s, but it is now highly respected in the sports and business world as a tool to improve results.

It’s a huge field, and certainly not a subject that an article on conversation tips can cover in depth, but there are two techniques that can be borrowed for conversation skills purposes.

If, at a gathering of any sort — say a dinner party, or a post-conference gathering, or a works’ party — you feel your enthusiasm levels dropping, you can give them a boost by making two simple adjustments to your body. The first is adjustment is to your posture: straighten up, hold back your shoulders, and lift up your chin. Research has allegedly shown that standing or sitting  like this makes you body secrete different mood-related hormones than when you slump. You feel more positive, think more positively, and appear more positive to others…and appearing positive is an attractive characteristic and a mood-lightener.

The same is true of the second technique, which is simply to smile. Someone famously said that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile, so being happy was a form of energy conservation. Whether that’s true or not, smiling, like siting up straight, affects your body’s internal chemistry, and makes you appear positive, non-threatening, and approachable.  This doesn’t mean you have to grin inanely (which may appear false anyway: people are very good at picking up a phony smile). But certainly, a warm, genuine smile always helps lighten the mood of other people around you.

Quick conversation tip: if you do these two things, you’ll find that not only your mood lifts, but also the warmth and enthusiasm levels in your voice will rise, which will raise the energy of your conversation — and that will make talking to you a more pleasant — and memorable — experience for others

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May 2

Some things, you should simply not talk about. Or, if you’re asked about them, you should skim over. They’ll give the conversation an uncomfortable tone, and the purpose of conversation is to have fun, isn’t it? 

The usual conversation topics you’re meant to steer clear of are politics, religion, sex, and off-colour humour. These topics arouse strong negative feelings. Some people take religion and politics incredibly seriously, and take offence at being contradicted. Sex and certain kinds of humour  can make some people uncomfortable. So conventional advice is to talk about other things. 

owever, there are other topics you should steer clear of, not because they could lead to arguments or embarrassment, but because they will induce negative emotions, and perhaps cloud the rest of the conversation. 

The first one is the poor sate of your health. It’s bad for your own emotions to dwell on your misfortunes, and if you’re honest, you don’t truly want to hear a long list of complaints about other people’s ill-health, either, do you? So if the other person asks say something vague, like ‘Oh, I’ve been better, but I’m improving really fast, thanks. How about you?’ If the other person really does want to know, they will ask you for more details. Read their body language if they do, and watch their faces for signs that they’ve had enough detail, and then change the topic, by saying ‘But enough of that, let’s talk about ___ instead!’

(Quick conversation tip: an exception would be if you can make your story funny, or if you have a story  to tell about something amazing that happened.For example, I have a friend with diabetes, and he tells you very briefly (and jokingly) where his health is up to. If you ask him to elaborate, he also has a document and a photo on his phone that he’ll show to demonstrate the mental arithmetic he has to perform each mealtime. You get an education talking to him.)

The second is how much you hate your job, or your boss, or your colleagues. As with health, The exception is if your conversation skills can make it hilarious, or thought-provoking, or entertaining some other way, that’s great. But your listening partner doesn’t want to hear ten minutes of negativity or anger. 

The third is your last vacation, and how bad it was. The same principle applies again — if you can make it funny, great. Otherwise just say you’re trying to forget it, and change topic, perhaps with the advice to never travel with XYZ vacation company.

Topic to avoid  number four is relatives, and how bad/unreasonable/selfish etc they are. You’ll either get a reputation for being a character assassin, or make your friends angry on your behalf.

The next-to-last topic in this list concerns mutual friends, and speculating on any behaviour that may not meet the extremely high moral standards that the rest of us set ourselves live up to at all times. Gossiping can be fun, but choose carefully who you do it with, and remember that you too are not beyond reproach.

Finally we have pet peeves. Maybe you hate Christmas, or the taxman, or dog-owners, for example. It’s best to keep it to yourself, if so. You’re likely to get angry while talking, and that negative emotion will cloud the atmosphere. That is not what we want to achieve in a good conversation.

Agreed, these topics are ones you’ll feel strongly about, and can probably talk about for more than a few sentences. But they are all negative in nature. Negativity is destructive, and should be avoided not only in your conversations with others, but also in your thoughts. Think about the people you like. Are they’re mostly fun, positive people? If so, it stands to reason that people will like the same qualities in you. And they discover them in your choice of conversation topics

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