Jun 7

Reading all the conversation tips available in books and online, it would be easy to get the idea that there’s an endless amount of conversation skills to be mastered. That in turn might lead a person to feel they could never get to the point where they’ll be able to string together a sentence, let alone have an enjoyable conversation.

The fact is that millions of enjoyable conversation happen all the time without the participants being aware of what they’re doing, just as a lot of people, for example, enjoy taking photographs, and sometimes take a good one.

The fact is, though, that it’s possible to improve those skills. All skills, in any field, can be improved.

In conversation, the main skills to concentrate on are the following :-

 

1) Listening
2) Body language
3) Getting into the right frame of mind
3a) Introducing yourself
3b) Conversation starters
4) Conversation topics – the old standbys and other more tailored themes
5) Developing the conversation
5a) Using the big six questions
5b) establishing common ground
5c) jumping and hopping topics to take the conversation in unusual directions
6) self-monitoring
7) monitoring your conversation partner’s responses, both spoken and posture
8) knowing when to exit
9) Knowing how to exit
Not so many, and not so scary when you see them all listed like that, are they?

 

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Jul 6

If you’re at a dinner party, it sometimes happens that the conversation can be a little stilted, especially when people don’t know each other so well.

The conversation topics will revolve around a neutral subject such as work, and the energy levels will be low. It will almost seem like an interview is going on, with one person asking a few questions, and nodding but not seeming truly interested in the answers being given. And the answers will sound a little superficial, too.

One way to raise the energy levels is by introducing a game. Anyone who has ever been at a party where a game has been played will have noticed that the participants become a lot more animated afterwards, and levels of formality between them drop considerably. Because they’ve had fun together, it’s as if they were old friends.

There are three types of game to play:

1) Word games: These would include guessing games like Twenty Questions, or memory games, like I Went To Market And I Bought, where everyone has to remember what everyone before them has purchased before adding an item of their own. (A variation on this is the game Truly, Madly, Deeply played by the actors in the movie of the same name)

2) Puzzles: these would include those Mensa-influenced puzzles about things like  a man found dead with a parcel in a field, surrounded by snow or mud with no footprints in it – how did he die? Or riddles like the Man on his way to St Ives. There are clever puzzles that look like they’re mathematical problems, too, but in fact the numbers refer to something else: a crude example would be 0,7,7,3 and the next number would be 4, because when you look at them upside down they  spell HELLO

3) Physical games like charades, or Pictionary .  

 

It’s best to start with the first two kinds before moving onto physical games. After people have smiled and laughed a few times, they become much more open to the idea of doing more active things.

Time will fly while these activities are in progress, and w

hen normal conversation resumes, the topics will be a lot livelier.

For more on the key conversation skills, go here

 

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Jun 24

 

Monitoring your effect on people is an important social skill. If people like you they will treat you quite differently than if they are indifferent to you, and a completely different behaviour will be evident if they thoroughly dislike you.
They make these decisions primarily at a subconscious level, and base them on your actions, and also on the conversations they have with you. Since alientating people is not usually a desirable thing, it becomes important to be aware of the effect we have on people and adjust our behaviour as needs be to create the best impression. One area where we can definitely control the outcome is in our conversations.

 

One way to tell how other people feel about us is by observing their body language.  Arms folded across their chest, and (if they are standing) legs crossed too, mean they are not relaxed. Perhaps their body is turned away from you at a 45 degree angle, and their eyes are scanning the surrounding area. These are signals that the other person is wanting to escape. If their eyes are not taking in the area behind you, they may be defocussed or pointed down, rather than looking squarely at you.  
Causes:
One cause could be your proximity. In other words, it may simply be that you are standing too close to them.
Another reason would be that you are a tactile person, but they don’t like being touched. 
A third reason could be that you are being a little over-enthusiastic, or they feel that maybe you are laughing a little too loud at situations that simply aren’t funny.

 

A further reason could be that the conversation topic is simply not too their taste: maybe you are going into too many details about your job, for example. This is likely to bore anyone, unless your job is a gossip columnist.

 

What to do: 
One of the most important conversation skills is required to remedy this: observation and fine-tuning. 

 

If you feel you are standing too close, or touching a little too often, raise the matter and apologise — ‘Sorry, I see I’m invading your personal space. It’s a bad habit of mine.’ Then move back a step. Most likely the other person will say something like ‘Not at all.’ But they’ll be glad you did, and their whole body will relax too.

 

If it’s the subject matter, do the same — apologise with a comment such as like ‘But anyway, I’ve talked long enough about this. Let’s change the subject.’ Then use a conversation starter question, or ask a question about them.

 

If done early enough, these measures may rescue the conversation. If not, don’t take it personally. See it for what it is — a chance to improve your conversation skills.
To sum up, while you are having a conversation, monitor its progress. if you feel your conversation partner is not having a good time,  ask yourself why. Then either change the topic or change what you’re doing.

 

 

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Jun 17

Disclaimer: The following is for entertainment purposes only, and is based purely on what I’ve researched and my own observations: I make no claim to being a qualified diet or nutrition expert.
That said, let’s begin

There will probably be a few raised eyebrows at the title of these conversation tips, but bear with me. I’m not saying the act of conversation itself uses up calories, but rather that when most people eat and converse, they consume their food in a different manner to when they eat alone. 

By eating meals silently, they’re possibly missing out on an opportunity to eat their food in a manner which will lead it to digest better, and leave them feeling full for longer periods of time. Of course, this won’t always be the case for every person– it depends on how they eat when they’re alone. But let’s consider the way most people seem to eat most of the time — in other words, at breakfast, lunch, and often at dinner time, too :-
  • they eat quickly
  • they eat alone
  • they often eat on the fly, without a pause, while driving, working, using the Internet, or watching TV.

 

In other words, they pay little attention to the food itself and they wolf it down. 

 

Now consider how you eat if you’re conducting a conversation: because it’s considered rude to speak and eat  at the same time,  we take a mouthful of food, and then talk. 

 

If the conversation topics are especially interesting to us, we may forget the food at times, sit back, pay attention, and eat a little at a time. The overall effect is that it takes us a longer to finish our meal. In fact many people don’t.

 

Is eating more slowly better for weight loss than eating rapidly? First of all, consider that from the time our food reaches our stomach, our bodies wait for twenty minutes and only then sends a message to our brains that we are full. When we bolt our food down, we’re usually still inside that twenty minute time slot, so we usually still feel hungry when we finish, and eat some more, even though we can feel the food going down.

 

When we take our time, though (like when we are having a conversation), that twenty minutes elapses, and our brains receive the signal; consequently we don’t feel so inclined to overeat. A further benefit is that because we are eating in smaller chunks, our bodies get to process the food in a more leisurely way. It’s the difference between having a crowd arrive at your house in one go, compared with a steady stream of visitors.

 

If, in addition (and this is not one of the main conversation skills), we take our time and chew our food properly first, then that too will help the digestion process, and, so I understand, the appetite suppression response.
If there’s one conversation tip to take from this, it’s the following: when you have the opportunity, eat with others — especially at work.  Exercise those conversation skills, enjoy a leisurely meal, and have a chat. Hopefully one pleasant benefit will be that you’ll feel full longer, which will lead to less snacking. And less snacking has to mean losing a little weight, surely?

 

 

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Jun 14

All the experts tell you — ask lots of questions, listen to the answers, let the other person do all the talking — in short, do anything but don’t hog the conversation. Monopolizing the conversation, they will tell you, will bore your listeners and make you appear rude and insensitive — unless you have the wit and repartee of Oscar Wilde. But the fact is, in some situations it is absolutely the right thing to do.

Elsewhere on this blog, two good examples are mentioned — job interviews, and when you want to help along the sale of something like a house, or a car, or anything else that’s so expensive, your buyers need putting at their ease.

But there are other times too when you will be expected to do most of the talking, such as when you’ve done something spectacular, and are the guest of honour at a gathering. As a wild example, let’s suppose you’ve been doing volunteer work amongst the endangered penguins of Antarctica, and on your return home, your local church asks you to give a short presentation and then mix with the guests afterwards.

The presentation is, of course, a lecture, and you wouldn’t expect it to proceed like a conversation, unless you invite questions from the audience, and even then, the situation would have more in common with an interview than a chat.

Real conversation skills come come into play afterwards, when you are rubbing shoulders with the guests and amplifying what you just said. It’s here that you’ll still be expected to do most of the talking — or monopolizing the conversation — simply because the gathering revolves around your experiences. The most obvious skill to bring into play would be preparation. In other words, think and prepare in advance, and have a few anecdotes ready that you didn’t reveal in your talk: amusing or weird or emotionally moving events. Or you prepare by only revealing part of such experiences in the presentation, and expanding on them afterwards. And at the point of retelling these held-in-reserve experiences, you draw upon a second conversation skill — adding colour and depth by amplifying the emotion as you look inside yourself and your memory and relive the event.

There will be other, more common, occasions where you’ll be the centre of attention (your wedding day, graduation day, at the birth of your first child). By doing a little preparation in advance, you will have a great time, and impress people with your relaxed, seemingly spontaneous, conversational style

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Jun 13

If the title of this piece is a statement of the obvious to you, that’s great. If not, bear with me, and I’ll show you what I mean.
Suppose you’re selling your house.  If market conditions are such that houses are not selling immediately, perhaps you’ll have to do so many times. Conversation skills are very important in this kind of situation, because they can help your prospective buyers imagine themselves living in your house, having a wonderful life.
You can achieve that by making them feel relaxed, to feel that there’s an atmosphere of warmth about your home. 
Imagine it’s you that wants to buy a house, and you look around three houses. They are identical in price, location, condition, everything. Even the decoration is the same.
 In the first house, the owner, who is a very nice person, feels to you shy  and awkward. It’s as if you were meeting a tax official. Their conversation skills are confined to simply showing you to each room,  then delivering dates and statistics about facts on repairs, improvements they have made, and the date the house was built.
In house number two, the owner simply tells you to wander around, and then ask them questions at the end. When you do, there’s a chat, but nothing special, and again, you feel like you’ve intruded.

In house number three,  the owners make an effort. They greet you warmly, welcome you to their home, they tell you why they are selling, and let you know they’ve  had  a great time living in this house, and will be sorry to go. They show you round each room,  and making jokes about what the teenage children have done to the place. They tell you that they’ve found the kitchen perfect for their needs, they ask you about your circumstances. They make you feel like this home will fit your needs.

 Then they show you the outside, and tell you about evenings and barbecues they’ve had there.

They may even ask you if you’d like a drink, and invite you to sit down if the conversation lasts longer than a few minutes. 

Now, if all three houses were equal  which do you most want to buy? Most people would probably go for house number three. Not because the buyers liked the house more, though it would feel that way to them, but because they liked the owners more. And tall the sellers did was make the buyers feel good by using basic conversation skills.

There are other situations you may find yourself in where conversation skills can make a difference, but you wouldn’t actually say you were having a conversation. A classic example is in job interviews.

In short, the point of this set of conversation tips is that good conversation skills will help you get more out of life, and sometimes make life easier for you, without you realising it.

 

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Jun 12

Conversation Skills for profit? It goes without saying that conversation is for fun, but profit?
Well, yes, actually. We’ve examined in other articles how good conversation skills help build your leadership qualities, but the same skills are also used by salesmen and women to make you like them. There’s a saying, people don’t buy from companies, they buy from people. So if you’re in sales of any kind, applying good conversation techniques can help you enormously.
But what about situations where you’re not selling, at least not the way most people understand the word?
Well, sometimes, you are selling, sort of. A proposed vacation, a weekend away, a remodelling of the yard, or maybe you’re trying to convince that a new kitchen would be a great thing. Any time you’re asking someone to agree to something, you’re selling. And you need not just powers of persuasion, but basic conversation skills to win the other person round.
If this seems unlikely, try considering the matter from a reverse point of view — how likely are you to get what you want if you do not use any conversations skills at all? If, for example, you don’t use small talk first, and build up a little bit of rapport, but rather just blurt out what you want? Unless you’re at work and you’re the boss, how likely is that  to work? Not very, I’d say. Unless you’re a master hypnotist, that is

 

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Jun 3

When we first purposefully begin studying conversation skills, we quickly realise that there’s quite a bit more to it than just talking about anything that comes into our heads. There are conversation starters to master, smooth transitioning, asking the right category of questions in the right place, knowing when not to ask any more, body language, listening, raising or lowering the energy levels of the conversation, eye contact. There are general conversation topics, situation-specific conversation topics, and fun topics to be introduced to liven up a social gathering.

And as we scour the internet, we realise that many sites offer the same kind of advice, but using different words. That, at least, is reassuring.  At the same time, we realise that much of the advice is geared towards men looking to make conversation with women, and perhaps we feel that that isn


‘t what we’re looking for at this time.

So as we read and re-read the advice, some of it begins to

sink in, and when the opportunity arises, we put it to good use.

Wouldn’t it be good, though, if we could find somewhere where we can actually put these skills into action?

Well, as the title of this conversation tip suggests, there is such a place, and it’s not bars or supermarkets. It’s your local Toastmasters or public speaking organisation.

In theory, Toastmasters’ purpose is to learn how to make speeches, perhaps with a view to earning money. And it doing so does help develop and improve your leadership skills. We’ll explore that in a separate article. 

Where it can help you develop your conversation skills is before or after the meetings (and if anyone suggests gathering afterwards, definitely make the time to go):  you are surrounded by interesting individuals who have worked on their own communication skills and are eager to help you learn too. They are outgoing, so conversation with them will not be hard work. They talk about interesting things, and come from different walks of life to yours. You can watch their body language, and observe their use of conversation starters, and the kind of topics and themes they regularly use to keep conversations going. And you can also practise yours.

 

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May 26

Conversation Tip :  Things you have in common make good conversation starters too

This is a variation on the What’s your opinion? starter. It works well because it establishes an instant connection, or rapport. 

BUT — it has to be genuine. If you fake this and get caught, you will lose face — unless you have enough cheeky charm to own up and admit it was just a gambit so you could start a chat.

You see something the other person is wearing or carrying and, say something like 

‘Excuse me, I noticed you’re wearing XXX. I like that brand too. I have loads of their stuff. Just thought I’d come over and mention it. Yours look pretty good. What do you think of their stuff? Do you wear it a lot?’

or

‘Oh, you’re reading XXX. I love that type of fiction. Whose your favourite author?’

or

‘You have a violin! I’m a musician too. I play the XXX’

or 

‘Is that a pool cue? You obviously take it seriously. I like the occasional game of pool myself.’

or (in a bar) 

‘I see you’re drinking wine. I like wine too, but sometimes, only a beer will do. Do you know a lot about wine?’

Taking it from there shouldn’t be too hard, especially if you bring into play your other conversation skills. But two in particular are important: not overstaying your welcome, and knowing how to exit.

For a summary of the core conversation skills, click here

 

 

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May 25

Conversation Tip 1: How not to  overstay your welcome…

 So you applied one of these conversation tips, and your conversation starter question got you an answer. You found out where to buy Item X, and maybe the other person’s opinion of it too. Their body language and tone of voice will tell you whether you are welcome to develop the conversation. It is an important skill to read the signs, which may be as blatant as ‘Well it was nice talking to you. I have to get along now.’ or very subtle like turning their body away, or looking away.

Conversation tip 2: Exit gracefully

At that point, you flash your most charming smile, thank you for their time, and tell them it was nice to met them (if they were a stranger), and walk away.

Alternatively, the signals may be that you should develop the conversation further, and the other person will probably help you out here, by volunteering information or steering onto subjects of their own. If so, great! But there will come a time where you need to get on with other things. And at that point you do exactly the same thing — smile, tell them thanks for their time, and that it was great to meet them.

 

 

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