Jun 7

Reading all the conversation tips available in books and online, it would be easy to get the idea that there’s an endless amount of conversation skills to be mastered. That in turn might lead a person to feel they could never get to the point where they’ll be able to string together a sentence, let alone have an enjoyable conversation.

The fact is that millions of enjoyable conversation happen all the time without the participants being aware of what they’re doing, just as a lot of people, for example, enjoy taking photographs, and sometimes take a good one.

The fact is, though, that it’s possible to improve those skills. All skills, in any field, can be improved.

In conversation, the main skills to concentrate on are the following :-

 

1) Listening
2) Body language
3) Getting into the right frame of mind
3a) Introducing yourself
3b) Conversation starters
4) Conversation topics – the old standbys and other more tailored themes
5) Developing the conversation
5a) Using the big six questions
5b) establishing common ground
5c) jumping and hopping topics to take the conversation in unusual directions
6) self-monitoring
7) monitoring your conversation partner’s responses, both spoken and posture
8) knowing when to exit
9) Knowing how to exit
Not so many, and not so scary when you see them all listed like that, are they?

 

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Jun 23

 

It may come as a surprise to learn there are professional conversationalists, but there are, and these conversation tips will help you think like them, so you’re not stuck for conversation starters ever again.

Who are they? There are two in particular very prominent occupations  – game show hosts and hairdressers, but they aren’t the only ones.


First, hairdressers.  Ask them for their best conversation tips, they’d probably tell you they like to keep the chat focused on the customer, and  cover topics that affect most people, because most people have an answer to at least one of the following -

  •  Work
    • what’s your job, 
    • how do you like it? 
    • what does it entail? 
  • Or vacations – 
    • last vacation was to where? 
    • Next planned vacation is to where? 
    • How long for? 
  • Health: how has the customer been since their last visit? 
  • Any family/ kids? 
    • How old are they? 
    • What class are they in at school
    • What do they want to be when they grow up? 
  • Hobbies and interests: what does the customer get up to in his or her spare time?


Hairdressers do this not because they are windbags and anxious to know every last detail of your private life, but because they know that  many people don’t like silence. And since a trip to the hairdresser’s can last a while, chatting helps the time pass, not only for the customer but also for the hairdresser.


Game show hosts have much less time to exercise their conversation skills, because the audience want to see the quiz or game actually happen. But the host needs to relax contestants, who are  suffering from nerves about being on TV. The host also needs to get the contestant used to answering questions in studio conditions–the unnaturally bright lighting alone can feel intimidating, to say the least–so they don’t just freeze up, because that

doesn’t make great viewing.  


Also, the question and answer session  turns anonymous faces  into human beings, which means  the viewers at home root for the contestants. This emotional attachment helps the game show gain popularity.


 If you asked the hosts for their conversation tips, they’d most likely tell you to keep the questions simple, to really focus on the person you’re talking to, listen to their answers for anything you can use to steer the conversation in an unusual or humorous direction, but most importantly, to make them feel like they are the most important person in the world while you are talking to them. 


Next time you watch a game show, pay attention to the type of  ice-breaker question being asked. It will always be something the contestant can answer easily. Even in The Weakest Link, where the idea seems to be to humiliate the contestants, the conversation starter questions before and during the game don’t pose any real challenge. On other shows,  a typical question might be what they will do if they win — especially if there’s big money to be won. 


So next time you’re in a situation where you’re wondering what to talk about, think about the last time you were at the hairdresser’s or watched a game show; then take a leaf from their book of conversation skills.


 

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Jun 3

When we first purposefully begin studying conversation skills, we quickly realise that there’s quite a bit more to it than just talking about anything that comes into our heads. There are conversation starters to master, smooth transitioning, asking the right category of questions in the right place, knowing when not to ask any more, body language, listening, raising or lowering the energy levels of the conversation, eye contact. There are general conversation topics, situation-specific conversation topics, and fun topics to be introduced to liven up a social gathering.

And as we scour the internet, we realise that many sites offer the same kind of advice, but using different words. That, at least, is reassuring.  At the same time, we realise that much of the advice is geared towards men looking to make conversation with women, and perhaps we feel that that isn


‘t what we’re looking for at this time.

So as we read and re-read the advice, some of it begins to

sink in, and when the opportunity arises, we put it to good use.

Wouldn’t it be good, though, if we could find somewhere where we can actually put these skills into action?

Well, as the title of this conversation tip suggests, there is such a place, and it’s not bars or supermarkets. It’s your local Toastmasters or public speaking organisation.

In theory, Toastmasters’ purpose is to learn how to make speeches, perhaps with a view to earning money. And it doing so does help develop and improve your leadership skills. We’ll explore that in a separate article. 

Where it can help you develop your conversation skills is before or after the meetings (and if anyone suggests gathering afterwards, definitely make the time to go):  you are surrounded by interesting individuals who have worked on their own communication skills and are eager to help you learn too. They are outgoing, so conversation with them will not be hard work. They talk about interesting things, and come from different walks of life to yours. You can watch their body language, and observe their use of conversation starters, and the kind of topics and themes they regularly use to keep conversations going. And you can also practise yours.

 

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May 26

Conversation Tip :  Things you have in common make good conversation starters too

This is a variation on the What’s your opinion? starter. It works well because it establishes an instant connection, or rapport. 

BUT — it has to be genuine. If you fake this and get caught, you will lose face — unless you have enough cheeky charm to own up and admit it was just a gambit so you could start a chat.

You see something the other person is wearing or carrying and, say something like 

‘Excuse me, I noticed you’re wearing XXX. I like that brand too. I have loads of their stuff. Just thought I’d come over and mention it. Yours look pretty good. What do you think of their stuff? Do you wear it a lot?’

or

‘Oh, you’re reading XXX. I love that type of fiction. Whose your favourite author?’

or

‘You have a violin! I’m a musician too. I play the XXX’

or 

‘Is that a pool cue? You obviously take it seriously. I like the occasional game of pool myself.’

or (in a bar) 

‘I see you’re drinking wine. I like wine too, but sometimes, only a beer will do. Do you know a lot about wine?’

Taking it from there shouldn’t be too hard, especially if you bring into play your other conversation skills. But two in particular are important: not overstaying your welcome, and knowing how to exit.

For a summary of the core conversation skills, click here

 

 

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May 25

Conversation Tip 1: How not to  overstay your welcome…

 So you applied one of these conversation tips, and your conversation starter question got you an answer. You found out where to buy Item X, and maybe the other person’s opinion of it too. Their body language and tone of voice will tell you whether you are welcome to develop the conversation. It is an important skill to read the signs, which may be as blatant as ‘Well it was nice talking to you. I have to get along now.’ or very subtle like turning their body away, or looking away.

Conversation tip 2: Exit gracefully

At that point, you flash your most charming smile, thank you for their time, and tell them it was nice to met them (if they were a stranger), and walk away.

Alternatively, the signals may be that you should develop the conversation further, and the other person will probably help you out here, by volunteering information or steering onto subjects of their own. If so, great! But there will come a time where you need to get on with other things. And at that point you do exactly the same thing — smile, tell them thanks for their time, and that it was great to meet them.

 

 

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May 24

Conversation Tip 1: Before You Launch Into Your Conversation Starter Question…

 …whether your ice-breaker is Where do I get one? It’s for a Gift,  What do you think? or some other question, it goes without saying that you need to start with something like “Excuse me –” or ‘Sorry to bother you, but –’  especially if talking to a total stranger. It’s an acknowledgement that you may be intruding, and a signal that you are polite and respectful. But don’t overdo it

The second tip is to actually build up some interest in the question you’re about to ask. That way you will sound sincere, rather than someone just trying to make smalltalk. One way to do this is to remind yourself that you are about to get some information about a human being and humans are fascinating.

Now you may be thinking but all I’m going to learn is the name of a shop in the case of the first two. That’s where you need follow up questions like Do you shop there a lot? and Do they have a good range? What do you like about that store? and then use the answer from that to jump onto another topic. In this instance, the gift idea list is perfect, because you can ask if, in the other person’s opinion, the store sells other items that would make good gifts.

 

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May 23

Another Effective Conversation Starter: What’s your opinion?

A spin on the where do I get one? ice-breaker is to simply ask for an opinion. Since people love to share advice and give opinions, this too is an effective conversation starter.

As with the where do I get one? question, this conversation technique works with perfect strangers as well as people you are already familiar with.

As always, step one is to notice something the other person has about them, and step two is ask them what they think of it, and would they recommend it.

For example, ‘I noticed you’re reading the latest Stephen King — Is it any good?’ or ‘Your sneakers look great, but before I ask you where you got them, are they comfortable? Are they suitable for running in?’ or ‘I see you’ve ordered the triple chocolate fudge cheesecake. How is it? Would you recommend it?’ 

This is a great conversation starter because you can use it in so many places: book stores, sports shops, even supermarkets (‘I’ve seen those advertised on the television, but they look a little expensive. Are they any good?’) and about so many things: cars, laptops, cameras, magazines, pets, shops, restaurants, pubs and clubs, movies, tools, quality of clothing, things to do in a city, places to visit. 

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May 21

Another Effective Conversation Starter: It’s A Gift

Another effective conversation starter is to be on the lookout for potential gifts.

Again, it works with people you may already know, but also with complete strangers.

Step one is to notice something the other person is carrying or wearing, and step two is ask them where you can get one, because you are always on the lookout for great gift ideas.

For example, ‘I noticed your watch — it’s cool. I have to get someone a birthday gift soon. Where did you buy it?’ or ‘Your necklace is beautiful. I need to buy someone a gift. Where did you get it?’ or ‘That’s a great bag. I’ve a friend with a birthday coming up. Can I ask you what shop it came from? Was it expensive?’

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May 20

An Effective Conversation Starter 

Okay, so maybe this conversation tip won’t lead to any marathon chat sessions by itself , but it’s an effective conversation starter.

It works with people you know, but also with total strangers. In fact it works fantastically with total strangers.

You simply notice something the other person is carrying or wearing, and ask them where they got it.

For example, ‘I noticed your back pack — it’s cool. Where did you buy it?’ or ‘Your earrings are lovely. Where did you get them?’ or ‘That’s a really great sweater. It really suits you. What shop did it come from?’

It’s especially effective if you actually mean what you’re saying!

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May 19

  

 Ultra fast conversation tips: Here’s a simple trick for overcoming your nerves at a gathering where either you don’t know many people, or or you do, but the conversation is flagging because no one really seems to want to be there, and you’re feeling you should say something but are worried it might fall flat.

 

Let’s be honest, not everyone is a dynamo of creativity when it comes to talking. Creativity requires imagination, and while we all have one, not everyone develops theirs. The same is true of muscles!

 

So, there you are, surrounded by people and it’s very quiet — everyone seems to be either embarrassed or wrapped up in their own thoughts. But most likely, they’re feeling like you: nervous. They’d like to start a conversation, but don’t know how, and are a little timid of appearing silly. So conversation tip 1 is that you tell yourself that you’d going to help them. After all, we all like to help others, don’t we?

 

Tip 2 is you escalate that thought, and tell yourself that it is, in fact, no less than your responsibility to do this. It has become your job, and you always do your job properly.

 

Conversation tip 3 is to then assume one of the following job titles: Mine host, game show host, or survey taker. In other words, you either pretend to yourself that this gathering is your party, and you have to make sure everyone is having a good time, or you pretend you are the host of a game show, and you have to ask those warm-up questions to make everyone relax and feel at ease, or that you are conducting an opinion poll, like one of those survey-takers that that stop you in the street.

 

You will find that your mood alters into a positive, less timid one, because you have just changed how you perceive the people around you.

 

You can then either turn to the person next to you and start to chat with them before drawing in someone else who is not talking to anyone. You do this by asking them the same question. Alternatively, if you are all seated around a table, you can make an announcement that you have a question you think everyone should answer. In either situation, you then ask a conversation starter question you prepared before.

 

There will be a few benefits to using these conversation techniques. The first is that other people will see you as a fun, dynamic and interesting person, not afraid to tackle an awkward situation. 
Secondly, it will build your confidence, and your conversation skills.
The third benefit is that it will not be as difficult as you think, and you will learn a valuable lesson about being nervous — that while it might be natural, it’s also nothing more than a feeling, and shouldn’t be allowed to rule your life.

 

 

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