Conversation Tips

Asking questions – one of the most overused conversation skills?

One of the most important conversation skills is asking questions. However, it’s important to remember that there are two kinds of questions you can ask: conversation starter questions, which may be conversation topics in themselves, and conversation developer questions.

Quick conversation tip: Put yourself in their shoes for a second… 

…and ask yourself what it would be like to do that job. Then ask, ‘Is your job as ______ as I imagine?’ 

If you’re creative, you may end up with a really ineresting question. In the example of the checkout operator above, maybe they’ve seen men and women meet,  witnessed arguments, attempts at shoplifting, fights over bargains, or even been threatened. With that knowledge, what question would you ask?

Quick conversation tip: Ask One Of The Big Six Questions 

If nothing jumps out at you, think of the conversation topic in terms of the big six W questions …which are, of course, Who What Where Why When and How. 

You can apply at least one of those to any topic. An obvious exmple is ‘And how do you like your job?’

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These conversation tips apply mostly to travelling on a plane, but parts apply to any long journeys overland by bus or train.
Think back to the last time you were on a plane journey with a stranger in the next seat. Did you exercise any conversation skills with them? Did you even introduce yourself? If you did, you probably had a slightly smoother journey as a result. If you didn’t, you simply behaved like most people in this situation.
After all, many of us feel uncomfortable when we have to sit next to strangers, and this is understandable. It has to do with a deep-rooted suspicion at the subconscious level of strangers, added to by our parents telling us never to talk to people we don’t know. Our subconscious minds never really get reprogrammed to regard these supposed threats as non-existent. Consequently, some people try to avoid having to sit next to anyone on trains and buses. Some sprawl out, filling half the next seat, or place their bag on it, as a sign to stay away. Reading a book, or listening to music on an mp3 player, or other multimedia device may also be used as a barrier. And of course, there’s the old standby: simply pretending to take a nap.
But Is this the best course of action? Maybe you’d agree that it’s good to take some of the tension out of the situation? (There is always tension when we’re in unknown situations, and a long journey next to a stranger counts as an unknown situation. Besides, anyone pretending to sleep rather than having a brief chat simply must be suffering some discomfort, otherwise, why go through the playacting?)
Quick conversation tip 1: If you think that’s preferable, consider this scenario: you’re in a window seat on a train, bus, or long-haul flight. The passenger next to you somehow manages to sleep the whole time. That’s a good thing? Perhaps — until you need to get at your bag in the overhead locker, or go to the bathroom. Then you have to appear rude and wake them up. However, if you previously broke the ice, the other person won’t feel the need to shut you out. And if they do genuinely fall asleep and you need to wake them, they won’t feel bad, because they know you a little.
Quick conversation tip 2: So the next question is, how do you break the ice? That’s easy…you smile and say ‘hi’, and you do it immediately, as soon as you make eye contact. Then simply wait until you’re both settled in

your seats, turn slightly towards them and tell them your name using these words: ‘I’m ___, by the way.’ That makes it sound like you forgot to provide that information, and are now putting matters right. Then say something like ‘It‘s okay, I’m not one of those people that like to talk a lot. I just think it’s more polite to introduce yourself.’
As easily as that, the ice is broken. And maybe a conversation later will happen, should either of you wish for one.
Quick conversation tip 3: Once you do this three times, it becomes easy, almost second nature. You may even end up with a contact you can network with, a friend, or even, as happened to someone I know, your future spouse!
To recap then, ignoring people next to you on long journeys may feel like the most comfortable thing to do, but we miss opportunities when we do, both short term and sometimes long term too.
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Conversation Tip #1: Take the Bull by the horns. 

Sometimes you’ll find yourself in a social situation you dread. For many people, it’s being cornered with the boss at a works’ meal.  You tell yourself that you’re sure he or she, just like you, prefers to leave work at the office, and has a life outside. Consequently  you have every intention of avoiding any topic that is work-related. To make this harder, let’s pretend it’s not the Christmas meal, because Christmas is a gold-mine of conversation topics. Let’s suppose it’s an after-work getting-to-know-you drink/coffee because the boss in new and wants to impress you with the fact that he or she is human, and the situation is one on one. And you panic: you woner what on earth you arre going to talk about.

The trick is to have your conversation starters and topics ready in advance, and then take the bull by the horn, and say, confidently and warmly, that you assume the purpose is not to talk about work, because that should be done IN work not outside. You start with small talk, explore family, education, employment history, and then… what? Well that’s where you need to steer the conversation topics onto things the other person gets enthusiatic about, or has opinions on…hobbies (work doesn’t count)… places they have travelled to (which was their favourite, and why?) what sort of house do they have..? is it perfect, or a work in progress..? if perfect, it must have a perfect kitchen: do they use it? what sort of food do they cook? If they’ve lived in many places, which was best, and why?

Conversation Tip #2: Research!

Since you’ll presumably have some warning that the above semi-interview situation is going to occur, do a little investigation first. For example, find out where your boss lives, then look it up on google maps. What are the local beauty spots? Is it a long commute? Then you can comment on commuting nightmares (quick conversation tip: this will add emotion and opinion, and these are the spice of any conversation). Is it a particularly nice area? Ask how they like living there, why they chose it, how old is their house or apartment, are there any problems with it, how are the neighbours?  

You can also find out what car they drive, and introduce that as an ice-breaker: “I see/hear/understand you drive a X. Is it a good car? What led you to choose it?” then you can exchange your car opinions and experiences, if you have one, and lead into occasions other than commuting when you find a car useful. If your boss is new to the area, perhaps you can recommend local places of interest to visit in his or her car.

Obviously, this sort of tactic can be adapted to other situations which people sometimes find a little awkward, like first day on the job. If you plan ahead as these conversation tips suggest, there’s no reason why that awkwardness should ever materialise.

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These techniques, while very important, are also really, really easy.

Conversation Tip #1: Ask Questions, Lots of Questions,  But Make Them Interesting.

Asking questions is probably the most important of all conversation skills. It’s your secret weapon. People have an inbuilt urge to answer questions. But ask questions that can’t be answered with yes/no/maybe responses. For example: “Are you taking a vacation this year?” Invites just “Yes.” So if that’s how they answer, you need to follow with “Where are you going?” and when they reveal that, “Do you like it there, or is it the first time you’ve been?”

Your partner will enjoy this type of question, because it is personal to them, and because you are asking their opinion. People love to give their opinion.

It’s possible to really shift topics like this up a gear by playing “what if”. For example, you could easily develop a theme like this one into a full-fledged conversation topic like this: “I often like to ask, if you could go absolutely anywhere in the world, where would you choose, and why?”

If they prove imaginative, you can really get going by telling them they have a time machine, and can visit nay time in the past or future, but it must be before or after they have lived. You’ll be surprised at some to the answers you’ll get. And an added plus is that you’ll get to know quite a lot about the other person…which is a sure sign you’ve had a great conversation with them.

Conversation Tip #2: Listen And Lead: Get Them To Do the Talking.

Another really great conversation skill is listening, so when you ask questions as recommended in Tip #1, make sure they are questions about things that interest the person you are talking to, then show you are listening by picking up on interesting points, and asking them for examples, or clarification, or demonstrating that you know how they feel because of a similar experience of your own (and then steer the focus back to your partner). Remember, listening is a lot less work than talking.

To sum up, we all have the necessary skills to develop a really interesting conversation, skills we use without even thinking, when we really want to know something badly: with a little focus, we can make any chat take on a bigger dimension, and become infinitely more enjoyable.

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