Jul 6

If you’re at a dinner party, it sometimes happens that the conversation can be a little stilted, especially when people don’t know each other so well.

The conversation topics will revolve around a neutral subject such as work, and the energy levels will be low. It will almost seem like an interview is going on, with one person asking a few questions, and nodding but not seeming truly interested in the answers being given. And the answers will sound a little superficial, too.

One way to raise the energy levels is by introducing a game. Anyone who has ever been at a party where a game has been played will have noticed that the participants become a lot more animated afterwards, and levels of formality between them drop considerably. Because they’ve had fun together, it’s as if they were old friends.

There are three types of game to play:

1) Word games: These would include guessing games like Twenty Questions, or memory games, like I Went To Market And I Bought, where everyone has to remember what everyone before them has purchased before adding an item of their own. (A variation on this is the game Truly, Madly, Deeply played by the actors in the movie of the same name)

2) Puzzles: these would include those Mensa-influenced puzzles about things like  a man found dead with a parcel in a field, surrounded by snow or mud with no footprints in it – how did he die? Or riddles like the Man on his way to St Ives. There are clever puzzles that look like they’re mathematical problems, too, but in fact the numbers refer to something else: a crude example would be 0,7,7,3 and the next number would be 4, because when you look at them upside down they  spell HELLO

3) Physical games like charades, or Pictionary .  

 

It’s best to start with the first two kinds before moving onto physical games. After people have smiled and laughed a few times, they become much more open to the idea of doing more active things.

Time will fly while these activities are in progress, and w

hen normal conversation resumes, the topics will be a lot livelier.

For more on the key conversation skills, go here

 

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Jun 29

 

A little advance work will help tremendously if you feel you need help developing conversation topics.
Here’s an example of what I mean: one of the classic conversation topics is the job that people do. And one of the core conversation skills is taking a response to a question you’ve asked and developing it, preferably taking it in an unusual direction. (An unusual direction being one where your conversation partner will have to exercise a little imagination and, hopefully, humour)
So let’s imagine you’re going to a party and you know there will be a mix of people from different walks of life there. Maybe there will be teachers, salesmen, interior decorators, car mechanics, nurses, writers, farmers, fitness trainers, just to think of a few. If you’re worried about being able to talk to them, you can do two things.

The first is to contact a few days in advance anyone you are lucky enough to already know who does similar work, and ask him or her about their daily life, and the biggest problems they face.
Then ask the same questions at the party, and work in the fact that you have a friend who does something similar, and rthey told you that their experience is etc, etc.

This works both with total strangers and with old friends who have never told you this stuff before. People love to talk about problems and possible solutions.

An additional benefit for you is that you get to contact old friends in advance and catch up with them, while listening to their unusual stories.
 The second approach is to ask yourself (if you don’t know anybody in those fields) those questions, and use your imagination in answering them. What could go wrong in the life of a car mechanic, for example? Or a chef?
 
The third approach, if you’re meeting someone for the first time and without any warning (for example, they’re sitting next to you on a long journey, and you decide to exercise your conversation skills) is to ask them outright.
 
Be sure to frame the question in a way that doesn’t sound too weird — make it sound as if  you like to collect anecdotes — ‘I always ask people this: what was the strangest thing and what’s the funniest thing that ever happened to you in the work place?’
Bear in mind, you’ll get asked the same questions, so have answers prepared from your own daily job.
One further conversation skill is necessary, though, and that is knowing when to steer the conversation elsewhere should the answers get depressing or anger-filled. Otherwise, the mood and energy of the conversation will plummet. That’s why asking about the most amusing thing second is a good idea.

 

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Jun 23

 

It may come as a surprise to learn there are professional conversationalists, but there are, and these conversation tips will help you think like them, so you’re not stuck for conversation starters ever again.

Who are they? There are two in particular very prominent occupations  – game show hosts and hairdressers, but they aren’t the only ones.


First, hairdressers.  Ask them for their best conversation tips, they’d probably tell you they like to keep the chat focused on the customer, and  cover topics that affect most people, because most people have an answer to at least one of the following -

  •  Work
    • what’s your job, 
    • how do you like it? 
    • what does it entail? 
  • Or vacations – 
    • last vacation was to where? 
    • Next planned vacation is to where? 
    • How long for? 
  • Health: how has the customer been since their last visit? 
  • Any family/ kids? 
    • How old are they? 
    • What class are they in at school
    • What do they want to be when they grow up? 
  • Hobbies and interests: what does the customer get up to in his or her spare time?


Hairdressers do this not because they are windbags and anxious to know every last detail of your private life, but because they know that  many people don’t like silence. And since a trip to the hairdresser’s can last a while, chatting helps the time pass, not only for the customer but also for the hairdresser.


Game show hosts have much less time to exercise their conversation skills, because the audience want to see the quiz or game actually happen. But the host needs to relax contestants, who are  suffering from nerves about being on TV. The host also needs to get the contestant used to answering questions in studio conditions–the unnaturally bright lighting alone can feel intimidating, to say the least–so they don’t just freeze up, because that

doesn’t make great viewing.  


Also, the question and answer session  turns anonymous faces  into human beings, which means  the viewers at home root for the contestants. This emotional attachment helps the game show gain popularity.


 If you asked the hosts for their conversation tips, they’d most likely tell you to keep the questions simple, to really focus on the person you’re talking to, listen to their answers for anything you can use to steer the conversation in an unusual or humorous direction, but most importantly, to make them feel like they are the most important person in the world while you are talking to them. 


Next time you watch a game show, pay attention to the type of  ice-breaker question being asked. It will always be something the contestant can answer easily. Even in The Weakest Link, where the idea seems to be to humiliate the contestants, the conversation starter questions before and during the game don’t pose any real challenge. On other shows,  a typical question might be what they will do if they win — especially if there’s big money to be won. 


So next time you’re in a situation where you’re wondering what to talk about, think about the last time you were at the hairdresser’s or watched a game show; then take a leaf from their book of conversation skills.


 

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Jun 3

When we first purposefully begin studying conversation skills, we quickly realise that there’s quite a bit more to it than just talking about anything that comes into our heads. There are conversation starters to master, smooth transitioning, asking the right category of questions in the right place, knowing when not to ask any more, body language, listening, raising or lowering the energy levels of the conversation, eye contact. There are general conversation topics, situation-specific conversation topics, and fun topics to be introduced to liven up a social gathering.

And as we scour the internet, we realise that many sites offer the same kind of advice, but using different words. That, at least, is reassuring.  At the same time, we realise that much of the advice is geared towards men looking to make conversation with women, and perhaps we feel that that isn


‘t what we’re looking for at this time.

So as we read and re-read the advice, some of it begins to

sink in, and when the opportunity arises, we put it to good use.

Wouldn’t it be good, though, if we could find somewhere where we can actually put these skills into action?

Well, as the title of this conversation tip suggests, there is such a place, and it’s not bars or supermarkets. It’s your local Toastmasters or public speaking organisation.

In theory, Toastmasters’ purpose is to learn how to make speeches, perhaps with a view to earning money. And it doing so does help develop and improve your leadership skills. We’ll explore that in a separate article. 

Where it can help you develop your conversation skills is before or after the meetings (and if anyone suggests gathering afterwards, definitely make the time to go):  you are surrounded by interesting individuals who have worked on their own communication skills and are eager to help you learn too. They are outgoing, so conversation with them will not be hard work. They talk about interesting things, and come from different walks of life to yours. You can watch their body language, and observe their use of conversation starters, and the kind of topics and themes they regularly use to keep conversations going. And you can also practise yours.

 

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May 26

Conversation Tip :  Things you have in common make good conversation starters too

This is a variation on the What’s your opinion? starter. It works well because it establishes an instant connection, or rapport. 

BUT — it has to be genuine. If you fake this and get caught, you will lose face — unless you have enough cheeky charm to own up and admit it was just a gambit so you could start a chat.

You see something the other person is wearing or carrying and, say something like 

‘Excuse me, I noticed you’re wearing XXX. I like that brand too. I have loads of their stuff. Just thought I’d come over and mention it. Yours look pretty good. What do you think of their stuff? Do you wear it a lot?’

or

‘Oh, you’re reading XXX. I love that type of fiction. Whose your favourite author?’

or

‘You have a violin! I’m a musician too. I play the XXX’

or 

‘Is that a pool cue? You obviously take it seriously. I like the occasional game of pool myself.’

or (in a bar) 

‘I see you’re drinking wine. I like wine too, but sometimes, only a beer will do. Do you know a lot about wine?’

Taking it from there shouldn’t be too hard, especially if you bring into play your other conversation skills. But two in particular are important: not overstaying your welcome, and knowing how to exit.

For a summary of the core conversation skills, click here

 

 

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May 25

Conversation Tip 1: How not to  overstay your welcome…

 So you applied one of these conversation tips, and your conversation starter question got you an answer. You found out where to buy Item X, and maybe the other person’s opinion of it too. Their body language and tone of voice will tell you whether you are welcome to develop the conversation. It is an important skill to read the signs, which may be as blatant as ‘Well it was nice talking to you. I have to get along now.’ or very subtle like turning their body away, or looking away.

Conversation tip 2: Exit gracefully

At that point, you flash your most charming smile, thank you for their time, and tell them it was nice to met them (if they were a stranger), and walk away.

Alternatively, the signals may be that you should develop the conversation further, and the other person will probably help you out here, by volunteering information or steering onto subjects of their own. If so, great! But there will come a time where you need to get on with other things. And at that point you do exactly the same thing — smile, tell them thanks for their time, and that it was great to meet them.

 

 

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May 24

Conversation Tip 1: Before You Launch Into Your Conversation Starter Question…

 …whether your ice-breaker is Where do I get one? It’s for a Gift,  What do you think? or some other question, it goes without saying that you need to start with something like “Excuse me –” or ‘Sorry to bother you, but –’  especially if talking to a total stranger. It’s an acknowledgement that you may be intruding, and a signal that you are polite and respectful. But don’t overdo it

The second tip is to actually build up some interest in the question you’re about to ask. That way you will sound sincere, rather than someone just trying to make smalltalk. One way to do this is to remind yourself that you are about to get some information about a human being and humans are fascinating.

Now you may be thinking but all I’m going to learn is the name of a shop in the case of the first two. That’s where you need follow up questions like Do you shop there a lot? and Do they have a good range? What do you like about that store? and then use the answer from that to jump onto another topic. In this instance, the gift idea list is perfect, because you can ask if, in the other person’s opinion, the store sells other items that would make good gifts.

 

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May 23

Another Effective Conversation Starter: What’s your opinion?

A spin on the where do I get one? ice-breaker is to simply ask for an opinion. Since people love to share advice and give opinions, this too is an effective conversation starter.

As with the where do I get one? question, this conversation technique works with perfect strangers as well as people you are already familiar with.

As always, step one is to notice something the other person has about them, and step two is ask them what they think of it, and would they recommend it.

For example, ‘I noticed you’re reading the latest Stephen King — Is it any good?’ or ‘Your sneakers look great, but before I ask you where you got them, are they comfortable? Are they suitable for running in?’ or ‘I see you’ve ordered the triple chocolate fudge cheesecake. How is it? Would you recommend it?’ 

This is a great conversation starter because you can use it in so many places: book stores, sports shops, even supermarkets (‘I’ve seen those advertised on the television, but they look a little expensive. Are they any good?’) and about so many things: cars, laptops, cameras, magazines, pets, shops, restaurants, pubs and clubs, movies, tools, quality of clothing, things to do in a city, places to visit. 

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May 21

Another Effective Conversation Starter: It’s A Gift

Another effective conversation starter is to be on the lookout for potential gifts.

Again, it works with people you may already know, but also with complete strangers.

Step one is to notice something the other person is carrying or wearing, and step two is ask them where you can get one, because you are always on the lookout for great gift ideas.

For example, ‘I noticed your watch — it’s cool. I have to get someone a birthday gift soon. Where did you buy it?’ or ‘Your necklace is beautiful. I need to buy someone a gift. Where did you get it?’ or ‘That’s a great bag. I’ve a friend with a birthday coming up. Can I ask you what shop it came from? Was it expensive?’

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May 17

 

Asking questions – one of the most overused conversation skills?

One of the most important conversation skills is asking questions. However, it’s important to remember that there are two kinds of questions you can ask: conversation starter questions, which may be conversation topics in themselves, and conversation developer questions.

What’s the difference between the two? 
Well, a conversation starter is just that: it’s a general question you’d ask, like the questions your hairdresser asks you, to get a conversation going. A very useful conversation tip is to think about the kind of questions you might want to answer yourself, or at least feel comfortable answering, such as what you do for a living, and store three or four away for when you meet strangers, at a party, perhaps.
The second kind of question, the conversation developer question is a different in nature, and is the second of a pair of conversation skills, the first of which is listening. So when you have asked your conversation starter question, you listen to the answer, and you listen carefully, because what you’re on the lookout for is anything unusual that you can ask a follow-up question about. You’d normally start by repeating the phrase you found interesting, and saying something like ‘that’s interesting,’ and then ask your  follow up question.

 

As an example: ‘You work on the checkout in XYQ store? That’s interesting. I bet you see some interesting sights occasionally…’ (It’s a safe bet. anyone who works with the public are going to see some interesting sights from time to time!)

Quick conversation tip: Put yourself in their shoes for a second… 

…and ask yourself what it would be like to do that job. Then ask, ‘Is your job as ______ as I imagine?’ 

If you’re creative, you may end up with a really ineresting question. In the example of the checkout operator above, maybe they’ve seen men and women meet,  witnessed arguments, attempts at shoplifting, fights over bargains, or even been threatened. With that knowledge, what question would you ask?

Quick conversation tip: Ask One Of The Big Six Questions 

If nothing jumps out at you, think of the conversation topic in terms of the big six W questions …which are, of course, Who What Where Why When and How. 

You can apply at least one of those to any topic. An obvious exmple is ‘And how do you like your job?’

 

The important point of these conversation tips is to remember at all times that you are not working your way through a questionnaire with your conversation partners  – you are starting and developing a theme. The questionnaire approach will leave other people uncomfortable: developing a theme by asking the right kind of questions will not .

 

 

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